The Fake Road

Amidst a deep reflection I was suddenly reminded of an old story I just made up about Charles and the Cupcake. Indulgence in sweet goods was something of a fanaticism for Chubby Charles. He would shamelessly sneak some into his knapsack for school. He’d pilfer a few coconut ones from his local bakery. He’d even go as far as to search local dumpsters in case someone had thrown away these moist nuggets of gold. But one day chubby Charles was told by his mother that he was to not eat Cupcakes anymore.

So Charles searched far and wide for a solution. He consulted the almighty Google. He attended some lectures from the world leaders in vegan culture. He referred to the literature, and he even sought out an old wise man on top of a great mountain. But Charles could not find out how he would give up this deathly addiction. How was he to avoid cupcakes? Then it just came to him randomly. He was going to distract himself from his addiction. It was probably the oldest trick in the book. So on his way he went. He met with all of his professors and asked each of them to molest him with pounds and pounds of extra homework. He took up bible study at his local church. He began walking dogs for free, and at home he found himself doing just about everything. He did the chores, the cooking, he even did the finances, and even the child rearing. It was perfect for a while. Chubby Charles was no more. He had no time to even think about those buttery pillows with heavenly melted sugar atop them. He was basically an overworked adult at 15. No time to be fat.

Months went by as his old self started to dwindle away. He pledged his life to the treadmill and his mind to the books. He had figured out the hack of life. He was winning. He was now Chiseled Charles (Photo not available). But then the day came. He was met with the divine inevitability of failure. On his walk, accompanied by 5 Great Danes, two Terriers, a Poodle, and a turtle (don’t ask) he found himself, against all odds, eyeing a sparkling gem in the distance. There it was in all of its promiscuous loveliness. It was a cinnamon and cream cheese cupcake. Some devilish person had left it there atop the postal bin. And supremely devilish they were. Within seconds, the now Chiseled Charles released the ropes and all the dogs began to dash away into the noisiness of the day (Except the turtle. The turtle is still there. The turtle is slow.). Charles could not believe it. Against his will, his legs began to move uncontrollably and the fat that was no longer attached to his body began to reappear and flap its life away. He set the world record for the long jump as he leapt to near death at this singular cupcake, and moments later his mouth turned into a black hole consuming every calorie in sight. Chiseled Charles had come back to earth.

Death came flooding into his eyes as the rage of chubby desire vaulted him into a manic state. Off he went to that local bakery. He karate chopped his way through the 3 inch thick glass and went straight to the front. No longer was he going to employ is ninja-like stealing techniques as there was no time for niceties.

“I want every bloody one of them in a bag, NOW,” he said while holding up finger guns. Petrified by his apparent mental impairment, the bakery clerk searched the store for a classic money bag with currency signs on it and shoveled into them every cupcake in sight. Her face was dripping out of fear and her hands trembling as she handed the bag to Charles, who was dangerously below the average height for males at his age. and like the mad man he was Chubby Charles made her watch. He stood there, and one by one Cheeky Chubby Charles munched the life out of those cupcakes. With each bite the clerk began to cry more and more out of fright. And then it happened. Ding da ding, was the sound of a new customer entering the store. Disgruntled at the very fact that someone disrupted his eating, Charles was ready to turn around and blast the person with a 100 mile per hour fast ball of sugar. He turned around, but he stopped dead in his tracks. For there she was. A heavenly glow rested upon her face. Her hair blowing in the wind from the studio production fan off stage left. And her eyes were a perfect blue sparkle courtesy of her recently acquired contacts. Cheeky chubby Charles immediately dropped his cupcake as well as the loot. His sugary death frown now became a sweet smile of happiness. He was in love. Cheeky Chubby Charles knew he wanted nothing more than to impress her, so from then on, he never touched a cupcake again. He was now a Chiseled Charming Charlie.

…

Years Later Chappy Chilling Chuck found himself lightyears removed from his cheeky chippy Chocolate addiction, and he’d often return to his muckery in his mind. a chance relapse. A faint wimb. But the indulgence had lost its lustre under the weight of what was beyond.