Door to Door

As he hung there I almost considered kissing him, but I didn’t think that would have been fair. The little air he was worshipping was his focus. His eyes were red with torment. And his soft skin was overstretched to the point of worry. So I felt a kiss would be taking when I couldn’t give. When I couldn’t help him. 

He didn’t find it lovely that I sat with him. I stayed awake all night just staring, admiring. Taking every bit of energy my body could muster and giving it to him. 

So I sometimes wonder if the real things people do for their helpers is intentionally supposed to go unnoticed to their faulty eyes so that they can finally cherish a more manageable pool of love. After they feel the scorch of the first few 

For me he was a door. Not a mirror for me to drown in my own image taking me nowhere. And as crazy as he was, he wasn’t even the void I tried to out manoeuvre from day one of this god forsaken trek through people’s own desires. 

He was a door that I needed to look behind to reprogram my inner compass and take me home. But now that I have seen the fucked up engineering I find that he works better as a ceiling ornament. A light reminder that those things I admired were only temporary and evidence of a life I could have followed had I not changed. 

Had I decided to ruin myself. 

I changed though. My hair was purple some days. And my perfume was honeysuckle every other. But he didn’t notice. Which I cannot blame because I came to see its unnecessary nature too. But it is good I noticed. Because the change I sought wasn’t for me. Until sadly it was. 

I don’t think I was going to kill him. It’s not like he cheated or dared to leave me. I outgrew him. Once I held the truth the host almost seemed to fade deep into a memory box I would never open again. I couldn’t leave him. Because in truth he did nothing wrong. I couldn’t stay because in truth I had already left. So I thought different.  I was smarter.  I’d find a way to preserve his essence. To close it up in a box. To slowly drain the last of him and allow the once perfection to live on in a constant unchangeable state. I’d never again request him but I’d never again have to leave. 

I smiled beneath my sorrow because I knew that at the very least I wouldn’t run it into the ground. I wouldn’t wait until that singularity forced our ending in a storm of overdrawn hatred and warfare. I wouldn’t take it to that place everyone else had. I’d leave it just where I liked it and finish it there.

His last breath had taken him. And his eyes still shined. In a way I believe he was thanking me. For giving him the ending he deserved when I desired him most. 

“This was your undoing my love, for ever agreeing to be my door. And many more may lay beside you in the pursuit of the frontier of my mind. The burn that keeps me chasing the free wind. The life of walking through and never stopping” 

I turned around and walked gently over to the window. I opened it and let the gusts of change rush in, and as I felt the newness of my next journey I smiled from ear to ear. And as I stood there by that window I turned back to him once more. And in a way I believe he was smiling too.